As living expenses and the cost of tuition rise, I believe the time has come for Andrews University to implement a policy mandating all students to commit to work-study arrangements in order to cover part, if not all, of their school payments. How is America supposed to compete economically when the fresh, bright innovators and world changers of tomorrow are shackled upon entering the workforce with student loan payments? We are entitled—nay, we deserve!—free, or at least subsidized education.
It is imperative that Andrews creates a culture of hard work and prepare the characters of its students. Thus, I propose to the university ten new jobs in the hope that I can stir the creative juices of the Employment Office:
1. Gazebo Runners: These trained, disciplined, fit students—preferably wellness majors—will personally run and carry orders from the Gazebo to the hungry, expectant hands of students.
2. Administrative Barber/Hairstylist: This position will be a part of the President’s Cabinet. Due to desires of the student body for their administration to be more present and current, the higher-ups have decided on hiring someone who can provide them with the latest hairdos, fades and fresh cuts so they can fit in with their students.
3. Leaf Turners: In the special interest of Andrews’ Arboretum—which, most students forget exists—a squad of students will patrol campus, turning over every leaf to its colorful side, especially during severe weather conditions such as high winds and storms.
4. Attractive People: Hiring semi-professional student models to use for the covers of brochures wouldn’t hurt Andrews University with enrollment. They get $16 an hour for a reason, okay?
5. First, Second, and Third Triangles: Because we need everyone to get involved during praise and worship.
6. Legalists: People employed for the sole purpose of not letting anyone else have fun.
7. Liberals: People employed for the sole purpose of giving legalists something to do.
8. English Translators: These will be hired to assist in students understanding cross-American accents. Boston and New York accents are not the same, last time I checked.
9. Sneaker Legitimacy Checkers: So that no one can stunt on a $50 fake pair of Yeezys.
10. Officers for the new, all-inclusive Sensitivity Club: These serve the purpose of making sure no one’s intellectual, cultural or social beliefs are challenged or questioned.
*An article from the April Fool's Issue. Don't take anything in this issue too seriously.