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Guess What I ‘Herd’

Guess What I ‘Herd’

    In an effort to dramatically reduce the cost of the new Health & Wellness Center during difficult financial times, Andrews University has decided to be resourceful in retrofitting and repurposing the current AU Dairy facilities, rather than constructing a new building.
    “It’s really a no-brainer,” says Vice-President for Financial Administration E. Lectrick Shock. “Milk prices have been down for several years, so that the dairy has not been profitable. Plus there’s already a lot of steel bars and whatnot that will lend themselves to exercise. And we’ll be able to open the Health & Wellness Center approximately a year sooner than planned.”

Dominique Wakefield, Director of Health & Wellness, seems to be putting the best face on what must be a trying time at her office. “My mother used to say, ‘don’t cry over spilt milk; water is better for you anyway.’ My team and I are already trying to figure out how to make the most of this new opportunity.”
     In an exclusive disclosure to The Student Movement, Wakefield gave a sneak preview of some of her team’s ideas.

“About a quarter of the cows will be kept,” says Wakefield. “When properly trained, cows can be excellent training ‘apparatus’. You can do isometric exercises against them. They can be used for vaulting. And of course you’ve heard the story of Milo of Croton, who lifted a calf every day and could eventually lift a bull. We’re planning to institute a similar program with our next cohort of freshmen at Andrews.” When queried as to the name for this exercise, Wakefield replied, “calf raises.” She also noted that maintaining fifty to sixty cows will naturally heat the building, saving on energy costs.

Some have questioned whether students, faculty, or community will want to make a half mile trek to the “back forty” of the University, but Wakefield has an answer.
    “We’re already considering building a ski ramp from the back of Damazo Hall, sloping over the hill and down toward the Health & Wellness Center,” Wakefield said.

According to Professor Tiffany Summerscales, from the Department of Physics, such a ramp will need to be approximately 50 feet higher than the current top of the dorm to provide sufficient gravitational velocity for a 150 pound student to travel from Damazo to the Wellness Center in about 45 seconds.

Meanwhile, Allen Wellborn, Manager of Custodial Services, is planning to have a fleet of student-driven golf carts fitted with snow tires to return students to their dorms when they have finished working out.

Returning to the plans for using cows as exercise partners, the workers of Meier and Lamson Health Clubs are planning to team up and create a CCT (Certified Cow Trainer) program at Andrews, which will be the first in Michigan. This involves teaching the cows how to stand and move and resist, for instance, in certain exercises, and requires a healthy degree of cow fitness. Recently the workers of the two health clubs had a meeting to assess current levels of cow fitness, and to institute a cow training regimen.
    Lane Babb (junior, management) said, “The meeting was productive; however, it was a little shocking to see how the cows did certain exercises. When we deadlifted, the cows did not fall over which was surprising because they have a huge chest but small calves. It’s motivating to see such a small calf make a big contribution.”

Shock said, “There’s evidence that when people connect with nature, it improves their mental health. Thus, our plan helps students boost both their physical and mental health at the same time. Maybe then they won’t be so ‘Moo-dy’.”

 

*An article from the April Fool's Issue. Don't take anything in this issue too seriously.

 

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