Eau No! Water Crisis Hits AU
A terrible epidemic is spreading at Andrews University. More than 80 students have become sick within the past two weeks, all exhibiting the same symptoms: sore throat, nausea, stuffy nose and temporary blindness. After running multiple tests across campus, administration has determined that those who have recently fallen sick have all consumed one thing in common. Whether it was for cooking, brushing their teeth, or drinking a cold glass of water, those sick have consumed tap water on campus.
Misty Waters, Director of Liquid Sanitation, a subdepartment of Plant Services, said, “In order to cut budgets, the city of Berrien Springs has changed its water supply source to a bargain supplier.
One of the sick students, Justin Cortez Valles (freshman, documentary film) said, “I always questioned the water, but I thought that if I only cooked with it, it would be fine.”
Valles soon found out this simply was not the case. Boiling the polluted water seems to actually bring out the unwanted properties.
“I tried making ramen with it,” Valles said, “and it all turned into jello in the microwave.”
Men’s Cardinal Jeremiah Herby (sophomore, pre-physical therapy), who has relied on the water fountains during practice, has also gotten sick. He has reported strange hallucinations on the court after stopping for a water break. These visions included University President Andrea Luxton throwing microwaves out of her office window and searching office plants for hidden cameras.
“I'm just upset that I can't play with my team because of what I thought was clean drinking water,” reported Herby, as he cautiously sipped from a bottle of Deja Blue he purchased at the Gazebo.
Taylor Scalzo (freshman, photography), who has also fallen sick from Andrews University’s tap water, said, “We are always told to drink water because it's ‘good for you,’ but it's hard when the water is the thing making us sick.”
On April 1, University Health & Wellness released a statement advising those with access to the Andrews University tap water system to refrain from using water on campus and to instead purchase Deja Blue water bottles at the Gazebo.
Herby said, “If you ask me, maybe Dining Services simply wants us to spend our money on their water.”
This crisis comes at a poor time as the University Health & Wellness prepares to launch its newest health initiative—a water consumption competition.
“I’m telling you, it’s a conspiracy!” Herby said.
*An article from the April Fool's Issue. Don't take anything in this issue too seriously.