This is a “Mad Libs” style article. Key words have been replaced with blanks that you can fill in yourself. The word you add to fill the blank should match the part of speech listed in the parentheses, and whatever word you put in the first blank should also be placed in every “(Inanimate Object)” blank as well.



Here in the Ideas Section, we like to give our readers little nuggets of food for thought. This week I’d like to think about the idea of talking ______________s (Inanimate Object). Every day, you’d hear the ______________s (Inanimate Object) ______________ing (Verb) and ______________ing (Verb). What kind of advancements could we make? Would we make any? What would be the benefits, if any? Imagine one day it just happened. We wake up and every single ______________ (Inanimate Object) in the world, could talk and think for itself.

Walking down the ______________ (Place) would be a whole new experience with the ______________s (Inanimate Object) running their constant commentary, critiquing outfits and style choices a favorite pastime of theirs. They might interrupt ______________ (Professor) during lectures just for the fun of it. They might interrupt others to correct them.

They would talk just as old as they were. Whenever they were built, that would be their birthday. The Department of Speech Pathology & Audiology suddenly would get more practice, and little kids would come home telling their parents about ______________ (Imaginary Name), their new ______________ (Inanimate Object) friend. It would turn the whole world upside down and all of a sudden, ______________s (Inanimate Object) would be treated completely differently. People would start to think twice before ______________ing (Verb Typically Done to Inanimate Object) them. Everyone would quickly grow tired of complaints over colors.

All the gossip magazines would have a(n) ______________ (Inanimate Object) comment on different events, such as the ______________ (Current Event). There would be TV shows dedicated to ______________s (Inanimate Object) and their misadventures. Reality TV shows featuring ______________s (Inanimate Object), News Channels with ______________s (Inanimate Object) as their anchors, and there would be a new trope added to every comedy ever, the chatty ______________ (Inanimate Object). I could even see Hollywood making a movie about ______________s (Inanimate Object) that are ______________s (Job Title).

Slang would change too! Whenever someone was talking too much people would tell them to “stop being such a(n) ______________ (Inanimate Object).” It would be very embarrassing indeed. A new punishment for wayward students would be stuck in a room with only the ______________s (Inanimate Object) to talk to, and they’d have to write a ______________-page (Number) report on what they said.

Spies would have it particularly rough now as they would have to give the ______________s (Inanimate Object) some kind of reward for keeping their secrets. Maybe ______________s (Inanimate Object) would even become spies for different sides, like ______________ (Country) and ______________ (Another Country)! Double agents would be outed left and right during the beginning days of the chattering ______________s (Inanimate Object).  Covert operations would almost cease to exist entirely!

Soon, ______________s (Inanimate Object) would become famous! They’d dictate their own “tell-all” exposés that no one could ever truly verify, leading to ______________ (Adjective 1) amounts of books being written and librarians and historians outraged on whether to sort this new material as fiction or nonfiction. We’d have an ______________ (Adjective 2) amount of new information to sort through. Think of all the ______________s (Inanimate Object) from medieval times!

    It would certainly be an ______________ (Adjective 1) change if we woke up one day and ______________s (Inanimate Object) could talk. For now, though, I think just about everyone is ______________ (Adjective 2) with our mute ______________s (Inanimate Object). This way they can’t spill our secrets and make fun of our ______________ (Something You Own).  Perhaps one day we might get a movie, or a book telling us all about the secret lives of ______________s (Inanimate Object).


*An article from the April Fool's Issue. Don't take anything in this issue too seriously.

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