Bad Great Study Tips!
April has finally arrived, which brings a myriad of changes: The trees begin to flower with their vibrant colors, the birds again begin to sing, the fearless squirrels begin to roam Andrews University, and spring makes itself known. But, along with this beautiful change of weather and season, comes the impending doom of the End of Year Scramble. This is where students first look at their GPA, then look at their calendar, and then formulate a plan to desperately boost their grades. It’s okay! It happens to the best of us. So, in light of this upcoming OTHER season, I will be providing you with a HORRIBLE great set of study tips, so that you can start studying early, and get that academic edge. So read closely, and carefully follow these instructions.*
Section 1: Rhythm
First, you have to get into a rhythm for studying. This will help your brain to fall into a steady beat, allowing you to better memorize those pesky facts that your teacher assigned you. Which means, a beat needs to be heard and felt! Grab the nearest speaker, whether it’s yours or has now become yours, and turn up the volume until you can absolutely not hear yourself think. The pulsing beats and loud vocals will not only help you to be completely distracted from your textbooks, but it will also disturb all the other individuals around you who are trying to study, giving you that extra academic edge over your peers. So, plug in your phone, and crank up “Van Gogh” until somebody finally tells Cameron Van Buren (senior, communications) who he is.
Section 2: Nutrition
Nutrition is an incredibly important factor in studying, and Andrews University is aware of this. As such, it provides a great Gazebo for its students who are always bustling from one study session to the next. So, go to the Gazebo, and order one of their burritos. This is not only an excellent source of carbs and more carbs, but will immediately fall apart in your hands! Thus you will be able to sit with your friends, who are conveniently located at the nearby booths, and chat aimlessly for a few hours. This will help you to procrastinate on the three papers you need to write, 700 pages you have to read, and the pig you need to dissect. Perfect.
Section 3: De-stress
Stress is an incredibly potent factor in the lives of college students, and as such, needs to be managed responsibly. Everybody needs a break now and then, and an efficient and healthy way to manage your stress is this: Put away your textbooks and reach for your laptop! Pull up a new Netflix show, and begin binge-watching. As the episodes filter past, you will inevitably lose track of time, and will most likely miss all your classes and accomplish nothing. This will help to give your brain, and your professors’ hands, a rest. How considerate!
Section 4: Sleep
Sleep is the most easily sacrificed of all commodities in the life of a college student. So be a good citizen and perpetuate the statistic! Postpone all of your homework until the night before or the day that it is due. This will prep the framework for the next 24 to 48 hours. Then, stay up all night trying to finish your homework, until you cannot stay awake any longer, but still have work to do. Then, take a handful of caffeine, whether in pill or beverage form. This, coupled with the stress of your work, will really get your adrenaline pumping, allowing you to press on in your half-awake state, giving you that extra boost over your classmates.
Section 5: Multitask
School is a constantly demanding environment, bombarding us with a plethora of academic responsibilities, social drama, and even personal struggles. Because of this, make sure to do everything at once! This will help you to save time, and ultimately, become more efficient. First, call up the friends with whom you are currently having drama. They will immediately start to argue with you and each other. Next, open up your textbooks. While your friends are shouting at you, try to study. This task will be nearly impossible, and you will be unable to memorize the information, as well as failing to remedy the situation. Excellent! Finally, attempt to balance all of these external issues with your inner turmoil. Everything will come crashing down, and you will have accomplished nothing. This is the conclusion that you have been waiting for.
Studying is an integral part of the life of a college student, and as such, bad good study tips and habits are essential. Hopefully, with this guide, you can be the person who embodies the picture of a great student. Best of luck!
*Neither the author nor The Student Movement can be held responsible for consequences of actions taken as advised by this article.
*An article from the April Fool's Issue. Don't take anything in this issue too seriously.